Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
