Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
