Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
