I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
