Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
