Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
