eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
