It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
