I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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