I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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