Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
