my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
