she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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