Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
