I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You're earring is so big in my mouth
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
