My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
