So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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