Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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