It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
