my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
