found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
