my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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