No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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