I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
