you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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