I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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