Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just cut my nipple shaving
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
