just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
