I'd wear matching sweaters with you
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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