Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
