how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
