I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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