did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
