through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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