I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
