Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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