Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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