Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
