Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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