At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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