when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
