you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
