Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
