Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
