Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
