my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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