So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
