Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
