he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
