Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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