I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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