I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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