Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
